if my dad actually gets out of rehab and is better i want to get the tattoo 'one step at a time'.

to represent what I had to go through. to live day by day and just accept what was going on. and i figure the 'step' thing is neat because he's an alcoholic and follows the 12 step program.

My whole childhood was focused around singing and dancing around my living room for my parents. I even got to dance on stage with dolly parton in nashville, when I was 7. putting on shows and a circus when my cousins or friends would come over. I then added cheerleading to my list of passions. I really really genuinely enjoyed it so much. I cheered from the time I was 6-14 when i decided i wanted to start taking classes at a theatre school. So in high school I didn't try out for cheerleading because my monday-thursdays consisted of coming home from school at 3:30 and driving an hour to my theatre classes that wouldn't end until 8, coming home, doing homework and going to bed. I took these classes until the beginning of my senior year when I felt like I hadn't had time to enjoy my high school years as much as everyone else did. I couldn't go the the basketball games on a tuesday night or the volleyball games on a thursday night. But now that I stopped taking theatre class I could.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. I just found a folder with all my old cheerleading pictures, letters from my coach & my squad. I also found all my old sheets of music from my voice classes and the programs from all my performances. It made me really sad. I loved cheerleading and I see it as more of a hobby i had that I really loved. I really do miss it and wish I could do it again. But performing was my passion. I can't even remember a time that I wasn't singing or dancing as a kid. Back then I swore performing was what I was going to do for the rest of my life, but somewhere along the way i've lost that passion and all the belief I had in myself. 

what do you do?

I've finally come to realize I do have some serious body issues with myself. I've had them since I was really little. I remember being 5 and comparing my thighs to other girls, thinking i was so fat. I began to over eat alot and not care what i was eating because I was already fat and not pretty. The over eating began when I was about 10. I was always a little bit chubbier than everyone else but I was never fat. In 7th grade I remember getting into a hot tub at a party and one of the guys said how the water rised when I got in. That KILLED me. That summer I tried basically to become anorexic. I eventually stopped. But always suffered from my low self esteem and body issues. I never saw this as a really serious issue until I started my freshman year of college. I would go days without eating and feel soo proud of myself. Or when I would eat in the cafeteria I would get food and be only to eat about 5 bites of it before I suddenly felt really full, so i would stop eating and once I got back to my dorm I was starving. I later realized I couldn't eat infront of so many people, thinking they were judging me. Lately now I feel as though my problem is just worsening by the months. I now started cutting, whenever I'm feeling really down about my body I cut. It's not everyday, and it goes in phases. Some days I feel really great about myself and only want to lose like 10-15 lbs and there are other days where I can't even look myself in the mirror, eat food or think about my body. Those are the days I cut. Lately now when I'm having a bad day and I eat something it almost makes me sick, it is really tempting to purge but I don't want to start that habit because I know how dangerous it will be. But I feel it will eventually become my lifestyle, on one bad day I will feel I have no power but to purge. On the other hand when I am having a good positive day It doesn't bother me to eat, but I still watch how much I'm eating. I know I should talk to someone and get help before this gets really bad but I don't know how and thats the problem.

I don't want people to think I can't handle my problems and that I'm weak. I feel like I've created such a well put together image of myself and I don't want people to know that I have such huge problems.
I don't want to lose my best friend. I know it would happen. When she went to college her roommate cut herself once and now she left that school and has a really big problem with the girl that cut herself. I'm afraid she won't be able to be friends with me if she knows I struggle with these problems too.

I don't know how to tell my family. I don't want my mom to think she did a bad job raising me or anything like that. I don't want my brother and sister to be disappointed in me. I know my sister looks up to me. And like I've said before I've tried so hard my whole life to be the perfect daughter, I don't want my mom to hurt and be disappointed in my problems.

I need help but I have no one to talk to and some days I convince myself I don't have a problem.
I just want to look in the mirror and feel beautiful for the 1st time in my life.